Do you ever get bored? REALLY bored? Bored enough to play the orgeon-freaking-trail? Today was that day for me.

Oh sure, it started out innocently enough, but soon I began thinking back to my old elementary school days. Many wonderful images filled my head, including ice cream, puppies, recess, bullies, and my teacher chugging Pepto-Bismol. But the one thing that stood out the most was of course, the oregon trail. That game was pretty much THE kindergarden-5th grade expirence for many people. C'mon, you could die from the BLOODY SHITS. What 6 year old dosen't dream of that? An un-american communist basterd 6 year old, that's who.

So of course, I soon jump into action and comb over google looking for "The oregon trail" , and to my amazement, all I find is a bunch of bullshit history sites. Apprently, the game was SO good, that out very ancestors incorperated it into manifest destiny. Let's see "Mrs. Humpley's Math Cruncher" compete with that. Now, with my amazing google skills, I carefully add the word "download" to the end of my search line, and i finally strike the proverbial gold. (Get it, gold, oregon trail? Thanks, try the veal.) Now, another problem rears it's head, in the fact that the oregon trail STILL isin't abandonware. This means that it's costs cash money, and that means I can't buy it. But, thanks to many kinda-legal processes an undetermined amount of which involve some form of eyepatch, I now have myself a copy of the oregon trail ready to be played.

Loading the game up teaches me two things about the historical crossing of the trail, the great plains consists of two main colors (black and mauve) and whenever the plains is acatually viewed, my computer's fan goes into overdrive, making a sound somehting like a ferret being raped by Hemi. None the less, I begin to make my adevnturing party. Now, it's natural that being a teenager, I want to include my friends in this journey. So, I bring along my friends Clay,, and Jack. There is a space left over, and I'm about to throw in another friend when I think, wait, you know who you REALLY need. So now I'm traveling with Clay, Jack, Lauren, and Jesus. Never know when we might need that extra divine push. So, it offically begins. After procuring supplies and other wonderfully useful items (what in the hell is a wagon tounge?) I ste off. Almost immediatly, Clay dies. The cause is "not enough grass." Must have been a vegetarian. We travel until Jesus contracts typhoid fever. More traveling, and Jack breaks his leg, killing him. Jesus recoveres though, so we celebrats, leaving Jacks rotting bones behind for the buzzards to eat, and probably contract broken leg, the way this game is going. As we cross the rives, we lose almost all oxen, and JEsus gets dysentry. Lauren promptly dies from heat exhaustion and finally the wagon turns over in the river killing all that's left.


No wonder I grew up thinking all the "manifest destiny" people were dumb, look what they went through to go to OREGON. Who even goes to OREGON anymore?